חַיֵּ֣י בְ֭שָׂרִים לֵ֣ב מַרְפֵּ֑א וּרְקַ֖ב עֲצָמֹ֣ות קִנְאָֽה׃
Proverbs 14:30 - "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." (NIV)
"A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot." (ESV)
"A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones." (KJV)
"Ein gelassenes Herz ist des Leibes Leben; aber Eifersucht ist Eiter in den Gebeinen." (LUT)
מַרְפֵּ֑א - "mar·pê" - healing, sound, remedy, wholesome, yielding
קִנְאָֽה׃ - "qin·’āh" - envy, jelousy
I want to have a heart at peace. A healed heart. I want to be full of life.
When I know a feeling well, then it's longing. Somehow this old companion has been there all a long. I am a dreamer. I dream up possibilities all the time. And I know the feelings of wanting to be home and far far a way at the same time (and that constantly!), very well. It seems to be part of me. And sometimes, I would not want to be around myself, when I am in phases of dreaming and talking about way too much "if's" and "would like's". I often can't keep up with the pace of my ideas. I cannot work them all out, which is fine with me, since not all of them are good ideas either, obviously. But I admit, I do like ideas. They are my fuel. When I get to brainstorm, it gives me energy. I have to force myself (like everyone else does) to pull through things, even if the first enthusiasm about something is long gone. I find myself always in moments, where there are so many thoughts, dreams, wishes, ideas up in my head and probably ten little or big projects started, or about to and I am simply lost. I can't keep up with it. And I shouldn't either. Digging through all these strands, I know, I have to pick. And so much gets lost, if I don't keep track of it somewhere.
I panic by the thought, that time just flies, another day gone by and I can't see much of any finished product.
Some months ago I decided to do a Sabbatical. So now I am in the middle of it. It is definitely a good and needed experience, but I don't seem to be learning my lessons quite yet. I know, I am the child of God by grace. I know, I don't have to do anything for it, because, it is done. But I allow all these doubts running through my mind.. and I am the one, stressing myself the most in this year. I constantly feel like, I should ba doing something productive, I have to produce... Do I? My heart is not yet at peace. And the envy, the longing, to be something more then I can right now, is certainly "rotting my insides" at times.
I want to say "enough of this!". I want to be. Finally be. And I have this incredible, unbelievable chance right now. To be able to be doing a sabbatical is an insane opportunity. I am so blessed by so much generosity shown from so many friends. I get to live at peoples houses for free, share their space, life and food. And it is all quite wonderful!
I am thankful.
I am thankful.
This little sentence teaches me to let the peace run through me. Again and again. To give thanks is a big key. To simply say: "Thank you!" To acknowledge the gifts that are there. Every minute, there is something to be thankful for.
And finally, I am thankful for my longings too. That I am not just satisfied with where I am, but that I have a drive in me. Let it not be envy, but let it be fueled by looking at my beautiful creator. I want to see His good kingdom come. And I wnat to see beauty revealed here on earth. And let this motivation be coming out of a heart at peace.
This is what I want to learn.